“Play Ball” - Baseball Season Is Upon Us

I was walking past a playing field the other day and there was a 4-year-old boy and his dad, each with baseball gloves, standing near home plate. The dad was explaining how to put on the glove, which hand to put it on and how to get the fingers in the right spots. 

Then he explained the process of throwing and catching. “Watch the ball. Then grab it with your glove.” He tossed the ball right to the boy, it hit the glove and fell to the ground. “Come on. Grab it when it gets there.” The boy stood there. Dad said, “Pick up the ball and throw it to me.” The boy gleefully picked up the ball and threw it - the ball seemed to fly randomly out of his hand, not in the direction of his dad.

Next Dad explained the rules of baseball. He explained about the bases, which direction to run if you get a hit, where to stand and bat, etc...about 5 minutes of baseball rules while the boy stood still with the ball in his hand.

Suddenly, the boy got a huge smile and a gleam in his eye and joyfully ran around the bases, stepping on one, missing the others, taking two laps, all the while holding the ball. Dad said, “All right, let’s go. I’ll teach you baseball another time.”

This all transpired within about ten minutes. 

I was offered a story to share in this post. I am going to let you in on my thoughts and opinions in writing about this story. I do not claim to have the “one and only way.” And I know I am going against the stream and out on a limb here. 

So....I have said this before, the way young children learn is by imitation.

First of all, four-year-olds don’t thrive with instructing and explaining. If you want your child to ‘learn’ baseball, start with simply throwing and catching. Even better, start with rolling the ball back and forth to each other before you days or weeks later move on to tossing. Back and forth, no instructions - just show him how it’s done. And Dad or Mom, be satisfied with playing the simple toss-and-catch game for months. Throwing and catching develops large and fine motor skills and eye-motor coordination. These are important capacities for life! Try and make it fun, not an instructional lecture. Just do it, don’t talk about it much.

One result of instructing young children in the rules and etiquette of a sport is that it eliminates the role of imitation, and the activity of creating the rules for yourself. I can remember as a young child playing ‘baseball’ in my friend’s yard. There were five of us, not the required nine on a team. First we spent time arguing about and finally agreeing to the rules. “We’ll have only 2 bases. And if the ball lands in those bushes, it is a double. If it goes over the neighbor’s fence the game is over and we run and hide, and Mark will pitch for both teams...” We had to create with what was available. And I repeat, we had to create. Co-creating the framework of a play activity is such an important activity. Practicing the creating of rules that work for a particular situation with the particular people involved is an important skill that needs practice starting in early childhood.

I think organized sports for young children is a mistake. 

T-ball, soccer, basketball as organized sports for the under 8-year-olds does not support their development of a variety of skills and capacities. It exposes the young ones to the competition aspects of sports, as well as a focus on winning rather than playing for its own sake, for the fun of it. Additionally, the game requires focus and attention, capacities that are not usually present in young children. Demanding these of young children is stressful for all involved.

Instead of the children having an unstructured Saturday at home, playing out of their own initiative with what is available, and with plenty of time, they are rushed off to the practice or the game.

It is interesting that we use the expression, ‘playing sports.’ Perhaps for adults it is a sort of play activity, though unlike creative play, the rules are hard and fast. For young children, play involves activity that is unbounded by external rules. Play is a creative activity where anything goes and is moderated by the relating to the others involved in the play. Play involves imagination and is not fixed. Play is the essential work of the young child and is part of how the imitation of previously observed events is tried out and new skills are learned. The best way for young children to learn is imitation. It is their natural learning mode. 

Children need time for free play — time to explore the game on their own without structure. It’s then they learn creativity, problem solving, adaptability and conflict resolution, [Luis Fernando Llosa, a former reporter for Sports Illustrated] says. “Look at Wayne Gretzky — one of the most creative athletes of our time. And how did he develop that? He didn’t start playing organized hockey at age five. He played on a pond with friends. And even when he did start playing organized hockey, he would go back to the pond and play for fun. That’s where you learn all the moves and fluidity.” (Blair Crawford, Ottawa Citizen, October 2014)

(Click here to read the whole article) 

Have you ever watched parents at a young children’s sporting match? Even though some leagues explain to the parents about wanting the fun of playing to be primary, even though they are asked to model polite ‘fan behavior,’ it turns into shouting and rooting for your child’s performance and that their team win.

At the start I mentioned the glee with which the boy ran around the bases after the delivery of Dad’s instruction. That is the joy that I want to live in the children and find expression in their activities. How can we foster an environment where that joy flourishes? That is what we need more of for the children, and for our own future.

The best way for young children to learn is imitation. It is their natural learning modality. If your child has been seeing people play baseball, and is interested in that game, he will pick up a stick or ball and ‘play’ that he is playing baseball. For a young child, imitation and self-created play is the path to developing the skills required of the sport you are hoping to teach.

The King of the Giraffes

Marshall Rosenberg passed away last week. 

The world lost a great agent for change! 

Marshall described and developed a communication practice he named Non Violent Communication (NVC), sometimes called Compassionate Communication. It is much more than a communication technique, it is a practice to reframe your thinking and your perspective on situations and is a path to move beyond blame and shame habits to an art of real connecting.

My own thinking about communication owes a debt of gratitude to Marshall Rosenberg. His basic premise is that we try to become conscious of our own feelings and needs and how those drive our actions and reaction patterns. His idea is that all action is driven by attempts to get one’s needs met. When we change how we think and are able to see behavior as strategy to get needs met we stop our blaming and fault-finding. We can apply this to everyone we interact with or think about.

NVC as articulated by Marshall Rosenberg has the primary goal of creating and enhancing connection. One of our most basic human needs is connection yet so often how we think and what we say creates obstacles to that connecting. 

The basics of NVC are that first we must be conscious of when to be speaking and when to be listening. When we are listening we have to put to sleep all of our own thinking and inner dialog to be able to truly listen and empathize. 

In examining our experiences, we can be clear about what we observe, what feelings arise from those observations, what needs or values drive those feelings, and then try to do something about all that by making specific requests of others. Mostly though, people criticize, judge, offer opinions, make assumptions give diagnoses, blame, shame and make demands. Phhfew..... No one likes to be shamed or have demands put on them!

Marshall laid out a structure for speaking the ‘hard’ things in ways that support connection, and he aptly described how the communication patterns that do not enhance connecting are so prevalent and tenacious in our world whether on a personal level, or in large group interactions. Read his biography to see what sorts of conflicts he waded into to offer support for resolution.

Most of us are hungry for skills that can improve the quality of our relationships, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people. At best, the habitual ways we think and speak hinder communication and create misunderstanding and frustration. And still worse, they can cause anger and pain, and may lead to violence. Without wanting to, even people with the best of intentions generate needless conflict. NVC helps us reach beneath the surface and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of feelings and needs that helps us more clearly express what is going on in us, and understand what is going on it others, at any given moment. When we understand and acknowledge our needs, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships. Join the thousands of people worldwide who have improved their relationships and their lives with this simple yet revolutionary process. Marshall Rosenberg provides us with the most effective tools to foster health and relationships. Nonviolent Communication connects soul to soul . . . It is the missing element in what we do. - Deepak Chopra

In Marshall’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, he offers an idea that I think is important to understand especially in relation to adult child interactions.

The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds. When we grab a child who is running into the street to prevent the child from being injured, we are applying protective force. The punitive use of force, on the other hand, might involve physical or psychological attack, such as spanking the child or reproofs like, "How could you be so stupid! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Two kinds of force: protective and punitive

When we exercise the protective use of force, we are focusing on the life or rights we want to protect without passing judgment on either the person or the behavior. We are not blaming or condemning the child rushing into the street; our thinking is solely directed toward protecting the child from danger.

When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself. Instead, we are focusing upon the consequences of what might happen if we fail to take that action. If a worker's performance is prompted by fear of punishment, the job gets done, but morale suffers; sooner or later, productivity will decrease. Self-esteem is also diminished when punitive force is used. If children brush their teeth because they fear shame and ridicule, their oral health may improve but their self-respect will develop cavities. Furthermore, as we all know, punishment is costly in terms of goodwill. The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

Sometimes Marshall called Nonviolent Communication ‘Giraffe talk.’ 

The giraffe has became a symbol for NVC because it has a very large heart, its long neck allow it to have an overview and its big ears can orient ahead or behind. You might have noticed my 'logo.' I chose that image because of the giraffe that is prominent in it.

Marshall Rosenberg, the king of giraffe-speak is gone, and his influence lives on and on.

Marshall Rosenberg was a wise and funny human being who affected my life and the lives of millions of others. As Michael Mendizza said, “Many hope to leave the world a better place. If Marshall, a tough guy from the streets of Detroit can, and he certainly did, so can we.”

Try Leaving Out The Word “Okay,” Okay?

“Sally, it time to get out of the pool and go now. Okay?”

Dad is speaking. He has already showered and is dry. Sally is 5 years old.

“Sally, you need to get out and shower so we can go, okay?”

“Sally, come here and I’ll help you out so we can shower.”

(Sally swims farther away.)

“I’m gonna count to three. One...two...three...”

Sally stays out of reach.

“Come on Sally, we have to go, okay?”

“Don’t make me count again.”

This monologue went on from Dad until finally he went back in, grabbed Sally, and carried her out. She was crying, he was clearly angry. As an observer I could see that this interaction did not go well for either Dad or Sally. I wonder how long either or both of them were charged up and angry with each other? Have you ever been in a similar situation?

The basics seemed to be:

1. Sally wanted to stay in the pool
2. Dad wanted to leave.

Some observations:

1. Dad did not acknowledge what Sally wanted.
2. Dad finished a number of his sentences with the word ‘okay’ while rising in pitch.
3. It wasn’t okay with her. She did not comply.
4. Dad’s counting seemed to have some implied consequence that did not manifest.

Dad, I have some suggestions. Feel free to take them up or not next time. Try saying something like, “Sally, I know you want to stay in the pool. I’m sorry we have to go. We’ll come back again soon.” Acknowledge her feeling, but do not try to fix it. Occasional sadness is an inevitable part of life.

As an experiment, try leaving out the word “okay,” okay? When we end a sentence with okay it becomes a question. I don’t think Dad was offering the option of not getting out of the pool, but the way he used language made it seem like a question. When we ask a question, we have to be prepared to accept a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ answer. How about, “I want you to get out of the pool now.” “I need to get us home for dinner.”

I remember one morning when my youngest had been playing in the living room. She was about 3 years old. I had an appointment and had to bring her with me, and I like to leave the house tidy when I go, especially the common areas like the living room. I looked around at the toys and cloths and clothes and said, “You need to clean up this stuff so we can go.”

A flash of realization zapped my head. AHA! She did not need to clean up, it was my need. I had a need for tidiness and a need to be on time for my appointment. Neither of those were her agenda, needs or values. It was my agenda. Now, I try to own my needs when I speak. “I need to go soon.” “I need the house to be tidy.” You get the idea. Sally did not have the need for getting out of the pool. It was Dad’s need.

And what is this counting thing. I have heard many parents and teachers use this count down (or up) method of attempted behavior control. To me there is an implied punishment if what the adult wants the child to do (or stop doing) doesn’t happen in time. It is a veiled threat. I am not an advocate of threatening to get the behaviors I want to see. 

In the swimming pool story, it was an ‘idle threat.’ There was no ‘punishment’ awaiting Sally’s non-compliance. And Sally knew it, based on previous interactions with her dad. Maybe Sally likes to hear her dad count. Maybe she is just learning how to count and she enjoys hearing her dad filling in that hard-to-remember number ‘two?’

I have no idea what was going on inside either Dad’s or Sally’s feelings and thoughts. I do know the interaction was unsatisfying for them both and did not serve to develop their connection.

So, I’d like to offer a do-over for Dad and Sally at the pool.

5 minutes before getting-out-of-pool time. Dad and Sally are both still in the pool. “Sally, we are going to get out and shower soon. It’s almost time for dinner.”

Dad and Sally are both still in pool 5 minutes later. “Sally, we’re getting out now.” Sally cries, “I don’t want to get out.”

Dad, “I know you don’t want to get out. You love the pool. We’ll be back again.”

Perhaps Dad has to carry Sally out of the pool (they are both still in pool). She cries, he says, “I know your are sad. I love the pool too. It is time to go home for dinner and we’ll be back again.” And off to the showers they go.

End of discussion. Sally can cry more if she needs to. Crying is natural when we grieve for what we want and don’t get. Dad is caring, he acknowledges Sally’s feeling. And he is firm and not giving options when there aren’t any.

It’s not easy to change habits. (See some of my previous posts.) If we examine our interactions in the clear light of objectivity, it can give the impetus we need to make the changes we want to see in ourselves. We all want connection, especially with our children. So I offer these suggestions to make connecting easier, and steer clear of potential obstacles to connection. All habitual reaction does not foster connection. We simply are not there to connect with. When we can be more mindful and alert to what is going on, we can be present to connecting. And that is what our children truly long for!

P.S. What do you think about this? Do you have any scenarios that could use a do-over and you need some ideas?  

Let’s Get Real

Some of you have heard me say this before; There is no such thing as right and wrong, good and bad, appropriate and not appropriate, okay and not okay, and should and shouldn’t. There I said it - on the internet.

What do I mean? All those terms describe opinions about actions, and usually they are opinions that have been adopted from others including parents, religions, and cultures. They do not help resolve personal challenges and they do not speak of what is true for the individual having the interaction. When communicating with someone when things didn’t go the way you wanted, all of the above mentioned terms are opinions and do not help to effectively resolve problems and change behaviors.

When things don’t go they way you wanted, I suggest you let the other person know what is truly true for you. Did you like or not like what occurred? Let them know that. That reveals to the other something of your self, what is real and true for you. That is what it means to be “authentic.”

This applies whenever things do not go the way you want and you are trying to communicate that to someone else - whatever their age. You all know that my focus is young children and how to truly connect with them. I think the advice in this post speaks to all ages with which you could be interacting, though when the interaction is adult to adult perhaps you could use a few more words to fill in the picture. With young children, try to get your point across in very FEW words - a dozen or less!

And one more piece of advice, when you are letting someone else know what you do not like, focus on the activity you don’t like rather than on the person who did the thing you don’t like. They are more likely able to receive what you are saying that way.

Perhaps your three year old walks over when you are talking on the phone and hits you. You, “I don’t like hitting.” (Probably she is wanting some attention, some connecting.) What a different experience than, “I don’t like you hitting me.” Also different than, “It’s not okay to hit.” “You shouldn’t hit.”

(Additionally you could offer some words you would like your child to imitate some next time, “Excuse me Mommy.” You could say these words on your child’s behalf over and over until eventually the are taken up in imitation by your child.)

(And you could consider how much time you are spending on your 'devices' while in your child's presence.)

More than once I have overheard teachers say to a young child, “We don’t hit here.” That can’t be true because I had just seen one child hit another. What is true is, “Teacher does not like hitting.”

To the child flicking paint all around with her paintbrush, and it is getting on other children’s paper, “I don’t like when the paint goes onto someone else’s paper.” Or, on behalf of a child, “Sally doesn’t like other people painting on her paper.”

“I don’t like running inside. We can run outside.”

“The dog doesn’t like his tail to be pulled.”

“I like everyone to sit at the table until we all are done eating.”

You get the idea. You likely will have to do the same sort of thing many, many times before it sinks in as a communication habit or strategy for the young children. Changing habits takes time (see my previous recent posts).

Young children love their parents, and they love their teachers and caregivers. When you tell them what is real for you, what you don’t like, that means something for them. They do want to please you even if they have habits you don’t like and that are hard to change. If you mention that an action they did is something you don’t like, they are more likely to change than if you tell them that it is 'bad,' or 'not okay', or 'inappropriate.'

When having an interaction with someone when things didn’t go the way you wanted, opinions don’t help. When you reveal to someone what you don’t like, you are revealing who you are, you are exposing your own values. Really, there is no such thing as right and wrong, good and bad, appropriate and not appropriate, okay and not okay, and should and shouldn’t. 

I really want to know what you think about this. Please comment - how about a dialog on this?

New Resolve

It is the start of another year. For me it is a time of both looking ahead and looking back. As I review my activities, I can celebrate many things. I also can see some things in hindsight that I would have done differently. That is always the opportunity with new beginnings - to see what you might choose to do differently. It is part of the development of self awareness to attempt to know yourself, see yourself, and honestly consider what you have said and done. Are there things to change? Are there choices that lead to more kindness? Can you become more noble? Can you develop the inner strength to accomplish what you set out to do?

That is how the past can lead us into the future. We can see what we want to change, and then take hold of what is needed to make those changes. When we really commit to making the changes, that is called resolve. Often “New Year’s Resolutions” are superficial and we lack the commitment to bring them about. When we engage our will in looking back, seeing what we want to change, and actually making the changes, then we have resolve. Resolve is the firm determination to do something.

When I think about the word resolve, it separates into two ideas. One is to solve. We all have challenges and problems that call for solutions. Looking back over the year, we can see some of our attempted solutions weren’t so successful. When we re-solve, we are choosing a different solution to the same sort of challenges and problems from the past. We are solving again. And because we are unsatisfied with previous results, we are determined for a new solution. We have the resolve to make the changes.

If we honestly look back over our relating and connecting with young children, we can see our successes and situations where we might choose a different result. I often speak about the importance of reviewing the day for getting insight into what causes us to ‘lose it.’ Once we discover our own ‘buttons’ it already makes it less likely that they can be activated. And once we truly resolve to change, we can start taking the steps toward changing ourselves.

At the beginning of this year 2015, I suggest choosing one or two specific actions to resolve to put into practice. Too many and the likelihood of those actions taking root is diminished. You may have already found something you want to bring into your life of relating with young children. If not, I offer several simple practices for your 

consideration. See if any of the following suggestions speak to you:

This first practice is using an acronym as a mantra. I found this acronym on someone’s blog, and I wish I could give credit to the author but alas I did not note where I read it and now cannot find the source. W.A.I.T. - Why am I talking? Take this mantra as a moment of pause when your reaction pattern tries to kick in, as your button has been pressed. Say it over and over and over. WAIT. What do I want to say? Do I need to say anything? What if I take one breath or two or three, before saying or doing anything? Can I shorten whatever I think needs saying into it’s essential few words to get across to my young child what I really want? Do I even need to intervene in this at all? Why aren’t I thinking? W.A.I.T.

The second practice is to embody feelings of peace and strength, so when you need them they are accessible. Take a quiet few minutes for yourself a couple of times a day. Use the bathroom as a place of quiet and privacy if you need. Do this either with eyes open or shut. When you have your quiet space, fill it with thinking about peace and inner strength. What are those qualities for you? What do they feel like? Embody these feelings of strength and peace, meaning let them wash over and through your physical body. Let it pour into you, filling your heart and then raying out into all parts of you. What does that feel like? Embody those feelings. Practice daily and really feel it in your body. This embodying of positive feeling changes your neurology to be able to be more present, calm and strong when the going gets tough.

The third practice is to allow those to whom you relate to have their feelings without you needing to ‘fix it’ for them. Accept and acknowledge their feelings, and in your response keep their feelings separate from their actions. When your child is melting down, or whining for something, or having a tantrum, simply acknowledge what they are feeling. “You really wanted ice cream.” “You want to go with Mommy.” If you affirm what they are feeling, they will feel heard and that is a deep magic. Try it and see. At breakfast today, my partner Leslye and I were talking, and she mentioned it is the same with adults. I agree. If the other in an interaction listens to us and reflects back to us what we are feeling, we feel heard. They don’t have to agree with our wants or ideas, but being heard is a powerful magic for everyone. Read Janet Lansbury’s post on this theme. 

So, it is a new year and new opportunities await us to make our selves into the parent, the human being, we want to be. I offer these practices as support for your resolve over the coming months. I wish you all the strength, peace and creativity you need to meet the challenges that await you.

P.S. I have a new book project. If you appreciate what I freely offer in my blog and on my website, please consider supporting my work.  And please share this post as well as my project’s website!

Gift Traditions and Ideas

Holiday season is upon us and it can be stressful, so I am going to keep this post short and sweet. Possibly it will help you reduce your stress level because it is chock-full of ideas. Many families have a tradition of gift-giving. So what about gifts for young children? What are some ideas for gifts that support their development and don’t train them into the consumer culture that is all around us? Are there gifts that could make our children happy that are not “tech toys” or toys based on popular media culture (i.e. Elsa stuff, ultra skinny princess dolls, toy weapons and Disney items of all sorts? I am going to give you all a quick ramble through a bunch of ideas and I hope you find it helpful.

The first thing that comes to mind is creating a family tradition of helping others who may not be so comfortable and financially able. One idea is to involve your children in “adopting” a family in need and gathering gifts for them. And bring your children along when you volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Or make food and put it in containers to give out directly to those in need. You’ve surely seen folks at highway exits and major intersections with signs asking for food and help. Make food to give away!

Now as far as gifts for the children, I like to think of things the children can make and do (by themselves). How can we help our children grow up to be makers and doers? One way in to encourage that by providing them with material and tools. Depending on the age and abilities of your child, some ideas include tools (hammers, saws, screwdrivers, tool box, etc...) and wood and nails and screws. Depending on your particular child - scissors, threads, needles, sewing box or basket, and fabric. 

Art supplies are another idea. Watercolor paints, crayons, scissors, glue and of course (recycled) paper. Or thick colored pencils that don’t break so easily.

Books are ALWAYS a great gift. Read through the book before purchasing to make sure it is what you want to read (over and over) to your child. You can read some of my past blog posts for specific book ideas.

What about a cloth crawl-through tunnel. Remember these? So good for sensory and motor development. And if you search you can find one without media images.

A wonderful tradition you can create is making food gifts with your child for other people. Like jams and sauces. Or breads and cookies. It’s fun. It makes your house smell so good. And you are providing an example to your children (and your family and friends) of making. DIY is the way to go!

What if YOU made your child a gift? There are some many things you could make and the fact that you made it makes it so special for your child. Ideas include a doll, dollhouse, doll clothes, wooden wagon, wooden blocks, playhouse, felted animals, wooden animals. Or knitted hats and sweaters, slippers and socks.The possibilities are endless. And you CAN do it. Start now - there is still time. What are you able to do? Sewing? Woodworking? Felting? Learn some new crafts. The only obstacle is you. You can do it and there is enough time.

Happy holidays to you and your family, whatever your tradition. May this be a peaceful time of family and friends and joy. Enjoy!

Finding your expert

Often I hear parents and teachers asking, “What should I do?” in regard to various situations involving young children. It would make life much easier if there were specific answers to those questions. It would make things easier if there was a recipe book for interacting with and raising young children. There is no PDR for any aspects of early childhood. There is no ‘one way’ to do it in a given situation.

I learned a secret a long time ago. The secret is that there are 7 billion different types of human being. Each one is unique and different. No rules apply to all. No recipes can be general.

That leaves us with a big challenge. The challenge is how to figure out what is the best option in any given situation in which we find ourselves and our young ones. 

The situation for adults in our time is much different than the past. Our grandparents had a different set-up, and a harder time getting all the information that is so easily available to us. Not so long ago, multi-generational families lived in close proximity to each other. New parents had handy and experienced grandparents nearby, maybe living in the same home. And parenting methods were handed down by example from one generation to the next. Family members were born, lived, and died without traveling very far from home. The situation for new parents today is different!

New parents often are aware of methods and habits (see last post) their own parents used that these new parents do not want to repeat. They want different advice, different parenting methods and philosophies.

And for new parents of today there is so much available advice. Countless books and print magazines are available to explain and instruct in all aspects of parenting and educating young children. And then there is the internet. Instantly accessible advice is available at all hours of day and night from wherever you are. There are websites, blogs, e-books, lectures and classes, webinars and more. Don’t forget FaceBook, Twitter and all the other social media. And the perspectives are many. So many perspectives are at odds with each other, polar opposites in fact. There are many people who obsessively look to website after blog after website to find the answer to their questions only to find conflicting advice.

I just read an article by an exhausted mom describing the variety of advice she received about sleep issues and babies - it’s funny but a sad commentary on our times. One snippet - “You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.” 

Every “expert” has a different solution and, of course, the one and only right advice. So much advice that it can all make you crazy.

We live in a time of trusting the experts. It is a cultural norm to find an expert for any problem. They are ‘professional’ and know more than we do. We entrust our health care to experts. We have experts come and fix, install and replace our appliances. Experts build for us, fix our cars and bicycles and tell us how to cook. Experts train our pets and clean our windows. We need consultants for this and advisors for that. Experts know how best to raise and educate our children, how to help them through conflicts, how to eat, how to potty train and how best to relate to sleep. We have been led to believe that humans are specialists who each have an area of expertise, limited though it might be. Any confidence we might develop is thwarted by a culture that convinces us we simply don’t know enough and don’t have enough experience.

I say ‘hogwash’ to that. I am a human being which means I can have a wealth of information, skill and capacity to do most anything. And the things not yet in my skill set I can learn. I can confidently work things out to the best of my abilities and capacities, and I can see where I need to ask for support.

With so many conflicting suggestions coming from our peers, family, so-called-experts, physicians and educators, your voice - your true inner knowing - can get lost in all the noise.  

Do you know where the "best parenting advice" comes from? 

YOU. You are the foremost expert on your family and your child. 

It helps to learn about child development. When do certain aspects of physiology, and especially neurology develop, and what does that mean in the life of a child? When does a particular child truly relate to the world around her as separate from her self? What is the level of consciousness development in my child at this time?

With those as a basis, we can add in an attempt to discover our own habits and stress reaction patterns. What unconscious strategies do I use and are they helpful or hindering to truly resolving situations. Can I learn to become more responsive and less reactive?

It isn't what happens around us that matters as much as how we respond to what happens. When we can be responsive to situations and hold our understanding of the true needs of our young child in the forefront, we will know what to do. We can become confident in knowing that we know how to figure things out for ourselves. The BEST parenting advice always comes from within.

I know that I act as if I know things. In the telling folks about my ideas and observations I risk speaking as if my ideas are ‘the one and only way’ to think. I can come across as sounding like an expert about everything. 

I do not want to offer any recipes. I do want to offer my ideas and experiences, and choices I have made to help people learn to think for themselves with confidence. I wish for all of you, the readers, to choose for yourself what to do. I hope that my words can stimulate you toward thinking for yourself and having reasons for your choices. The best choices always come from thinking it through for yourself, and truly responding to the situation at hand. 

There can only be one expert in that situation - YOU!