Let’s Get Real

Some of you have heard me say this before; There is no such thing as right and wrong, good and bad, appropriate and not appropriate, okay and not okay, and should and shouldn’t. There I said it - on the internet.

What do I mean? All those terms describe opinions about actions, and usually they are opinions that have been adopted from others including parents, religions, and cultures. They do not help resolve personal challenges and they do not speak of what is true for the individual having the interaction. When communicating with someone when things didn’t go the way you wanted, all of the above mentioned terms are opinions and do not help to effectively resolve problems and change behaviors.

When things don’t go they way you wanted, I suggest you let the other person know what is truly true for you. Did you like or not like what occurred? Let them know that. That reveals to the other something of your self, what is real and true for you. That is what it means to be “authentic.”

This applies whenever things do not go the way you want and you are trying to communicate that to someone else - whatever their age. You all know that my focus is young children and how to truly connect with them. I think the advice in this post speaks to all ages with which you could be interacting, though when the interaction is adult to adult perhaps you could use a few more words to fill in the picture. With young children, try to get your point across in very FEW words - a dozen or less!

And one more piece of advice, when you are letting someone else know what you do not like, focus on the activity you don’t like rather than on the person who did the thing you don’t like. They are more likely able to receive what you are saying that way.

Perhaps your three year old walks over when you are talking on the phone and hits you. You, “I don’t like hitting.” (Probably she is wanting some attention, some connecting.) What a different experience than, “I don’t like you hitting me.” Also different than, “It’s not okay to hit.” “You shouldn’t hit.”

(Additionally you could offer some words you would like your child to imitate some next time, “Excuse me Mommy.” You could say these words on your child’s behalf over and over until eventually the are taken up in imitation by your child.)

(And you could consider how much time you are spending on your 'devices' while in your child's presence.)

More than once I have overheard teachers say to a young child, “We don’t hit here.” That can’t be true because I had just seen one child hit another. What is true is, “Teacher does not like hitting.”

To the child flicking paint all around with her paintbrush, and it is getting on other children’s paper, “I don’t like when the paint goes onto someone else’s paper.” Or, on behalf of a child, “Sally doesn’t like other people painting on her paper.”

“I don’t like running inside. We can run outside.”

“The dog doesn’t like his tail to be pulled.”

“I like everyone to sit at the table until we all are done eating.”

You get the idea. You likely will have to do the same sort of thing many, many times before it sinks in as a communication habit or strategy for the young children. Changing habits takes time (see my previous recent posts).

Young children love their parents, and they love their teachers and caregivers. When you tell them what is real for you, what you don’t like, that means something for them. They do want to please you even if they have habits you don’t like and that are hard to change. If you mention that an action they did is something you don’t like, they are more likely to change than if you tell them that it is 'bad,' or 'not okay', or 'inappropriate.'

When having an interaction with someone when things didn’t go the way you wanted, opinions don’t help. When you reveal to someone what you don’t like, you are revealing who you are, you are exposing your own values. Really, there is no such thing as right and wrong, good and bad, appropriate and not appropriate, okay and not okay, and should and shouldn’t. 

I really want to know what you think about this. Please comment - how about a dialog on this?

New Resolve

It is the start of another year. For me it is a time of both looking ahead and looking back. As I review my activities, I can celebrate many things. I also can see some things in hindsight that I would have done differently. That is always the opportunity with new beginnings - to see what you might choose to do differently. It is part of the development of self awareness to attempt to know yourself, see yourself, and honestly consider what you have said and done. Are there things to change? Are there choices that lead to more kindness? Can you become more noble? Can you develop the inner strength to accomplish what you set out to do?

That is how the past can lead us into the future. We can see what we want to change, and then take hold of what is needed to make those changes. When we really commit to making the changes, that is called resolve. Often “New Year’s Resolutions” are superficial and we lack the commitment to bring them about. When we engage our will in looking back, seeing what we want to change, and actually making the changes, then we have resolve. Resolve is the firm determination to do something.

When I think about the word resolve, it separates into two ideas. One is to solve. We all have challenges and problems that call for solutions. Looking back over the year, we can see some of our attempted solutions weren’t so successful. When we re-solve, we are choosing a different solution to the same sort of challenges and problems from the past. We are solving again. And because we are unsatisfied with previous results, we are determined for a new solution. We have the resolve to make the changes.

If we honestly look back over our relating and connecting with young children, we can see our successes and situations where we might choose a different result. I often speak about the importance of reviewing the day for getting insight into what causes us to ‘lose it.’ Once we discover our own ‘buttons’ it already makes it less likely that they can be activated. And once we truly resolve to change, we can start taking the steps toward changing ourselves.

At the beginning of this year 2015, I suggest choosing one or two specific actions to resolve to put into practice. Too many and the likelihood of those actions taking root is diminished. You may have already found something you want to bring into your life of relating with young children. If not, I offer several simple practices for your 

consideration. See if any of the following suggestions speak to you:

This first practice is using an acronym as a mantra. I found this acronym on someone’s blog, and I wish I could give credit to the author but alas I did not note where I read it and now cannot find the source. W.A.I.T. - Why am I talking? Take this mantra as a moment of pause when your reaction pattern tries to kick in, as your button has been pressed. Say it over and over and over. WAIT. What do I want to say? Do I need to say anything? What if I take one breath or two or three, before saying or doing anything? Can I shorten whatever I think needs saying into it’s essential few words to get across to my young child what I really want? Do I even need to intervene in this at all? Why aren’t I thinking? W.A.I.T.

The second practice is to embody feelings of peace and strength, so when you need them they are accessible. Take a quiet few minutes for yourself a couple of times a day. Use the bathroom as a place of quiet and privacy if you need. Do this either with eyes open or shut. When you have your quiet space, fill it with thinking about peace and inner strength. What are those qualities for you? What do they feel like? Embody these feelings of strength and peace, meaning let them wash over and through your physical body. Let it pour into you, filling your heart and then raying out into all parts of you. What does that feel like? Embody those feelings. Practice daily and really feel it in your body. This embodying of positive feeling changes your neurology to be able to be more present, calm and strong when the going gets tough.

The third practice is to allow those to whom you relate to have their feelings without you needing to ‘fix it’ for them. Accept and acknowledge their feelings, and in your response keep their feelings separate from their actions. When your child is melting down, or whining for something, or having a tantrum, simply acknowledge what they are feeling. “You really wanted ice cream.” “You want to go with Mommy.” If you affirm what they are feeling, they will feel heard and that is a deep magic. Try it and see. At breakfast today, my partner Leslye and I were talking, and she mentioned it is the same with adults. I agree. If the other in an interaction listens to us and reflects back to us what we are feeling, we feel heard. They don’t have to agree with our wants or ideas, but being heard is a powerful magic for everyone. Read Janet Lansbury’s post on this theme. 

So, it is a new year and new opportunities await us to make our selves into the parent, the human being, we want to be. I offer these practices as support for your resolve over the coming months. I wish you all the strength, peace and creativity you need to meet the challenges that await you.

P.S. I have a new book project. If you appreciate what I freely offer in my blog and on my website, please consider supporting my work.  And please share this post as well as my project’s website!

Gift Traditions and Ideas

Holiday season is upon us and it can be stressful, so I am going to keep this post short and sweet. Possibly it will help you reduce your stress level because it is chock-full of ideas. Many families have a tradition of gift-giving. So what about gifts for young children? What are some ideas for gifts that support their development and don’t train them into the consumer culture that is all around us? Are there gifts that could make our children happy that are not “tech toys” or toys based on popular media culture (i.e. Elsa stuff, ultra skinny princess dolls, toy weapons and Disney items of all sorts? I am going to give you all a quick ramble through a bunch of ideas and I hope you find it helpful.

The first thing that comes to mind is creating a family tradition of helping others who may not be so comfortable and financially able. One idea is to involve your children in “adopting” a family in need and gathering gifts for them. And bring your children along when you volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Or make food and put it in containers to give out directly to those in need. You’ve surely seen folks at highway exits and major intersections with signs asking for food and help. Make food to give away!

Now as far as gifts for the children, I like to think of things the children can make and do (by themselves). How can we help our children grow up to be makers and doers? One way in to encourage that by providing them with material and tools. Depending on the age and abilities of your child, some ideas include tools (hammers, saws, screwdrivers, tool box, etc...) and wood and nails and screws. Depending on your particular child - scissors, threads, needles, sewing box or basket, and fabric. 

Art supplies are another idea. Watercolor paints, crayons, scissors, glue and of course (recycled) paper. Or thick colored pencils that don’t break so easily.

Books are ALWAYS a great gift. Read through the book before purchasing to make sure it is what you want to read (over and over) to your child. You can read some of my past blog posts for specific book ideas.

What about a cloth crawl-through tunnel. Remember these? So good for sensory and motor development. And if you search you can find one without media images.

A wonderful tradition you can create is making food gifts with your child for other people. Like jams and sauces. Or breads and cookies. It’s fun. It makes your house smell so good. And you are providing an example to your children (and your family and friends) of making. DIY is the way to go!

What if YOU made your child a gift? There are some many things you could make and the fact that you made it makes it so special for your child. Ideas include a doll, dollhouse, doll clothes, wooden wagon, wooden blocks, playhouse, felted animals, wooden animals. Or knitted hats and sweaters, slippers and socks.The possibilities are endless. And you CAN do it. Start now - there is still time. What are you able to do? Sewing? Woodworking? Felting? Learn some new crafts. The only obstacle is you. You can do it and there is enough time.

Happy holidays to you and your family, whatever your tradition. May this be a peaceful time of family and friends and joy. Enjoy!

Finding your expert

Often I hear parents and teachers asking, “What should I do?” in regard to various situations involving young children. It would make life much easier if there were specific answers to those questions. It would make things easier if there was a recipe book for interacting with and raising young children. There is no PDR for any aspects of early childhood. There is no ‘one way’ to do it in a given situation.

I learned a secret a long time ago. The secret is that there are 7 billion different types of human being. Each one is unique and different. No rules apply to all. No recipes can be general.

That leaves us with a big challenge. The challenge is how to figure out what is the best option in any given situation in which we find ourselves and our young ones. 

The situation for adults in our time is much different than the past. Our grandparents had a different set-up, and a harder time getting all the information that is so easily available to us. Not so long ago, multi-generational families lived in close proximity to each other. New parents had handy and experienced grandparents nearby, maybe living in the same home. And parenting methods were handed down by example from one generation to the next. Family members were born, lived, and died without traveling very far from home. The situation for new parents today is different!

New parents often are aware of methods and habits (see last post) their own parents used that these new parents do not want to repeat. They want different advice, different parenting methods and philosophies.

And for new parents of today there is so much available advice. Countless books and print magazines are available to explain and instruct in all aspects of parenting and educating young children. And then there is the internet. Instantly accessible advice is available at all hours of day and night from wherever you are. There are websites, blogs, e-books, lectures and classes, webinars and more. Don’t forget FaceBook, Twitter and all the other social media. And the perspectives are many. So many perspectives are at odds with each other, polar opposites in fact. There are many people who obsessively look to website after blog after website to find the answer to their questions only to find conflicting advice.

I just read an article by an exhausted mom describing the variety of advice she received about sleep issues and babies - it’s funny but a sad commentary on our times. One snippet - “You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.” 

Every “expert” has a different solution and, of course, the one and only right advice. So much advice that it can all make you crazy.

We live in a time of trusting the experts. It is a cultural norm to find an expert for any problem. They are ‘professional’ and know more than we do. We entrust our health care to experts. We have experts come and fix, install and replace our appliances. Experts build for us, fix our cars and bicycles and tell us how to cook. Experts train our pets and clean our windows. We need consultants for this and advisors for that. Experts know how best to raise and educate our children, how to help them through conflicts, how to eat, how to potty train and how best to relate to sleep. We have been led to believe that humans are specialists who each have an area of expertise, limited though it might be. Any confidence we might develop is thwarted by a culture that convinces us we simply don’t know enough and don’t have enough experience.

I say ‘hogwash’ to that. I am a human being which means I can have a wealth of information, skill and capacity to do most anything. And the things not yet in my skill set I can learn. I can confidently work things out to the best of my abilities and capacities, and I can see where I need to ask for support.

With so many conflicting suggestions coming from our peers, family, so-called-experts, physicians and educators, your voice - your true inner knowing - can get lost in all the noise.  

Do you know where the "best parenting advice" comes from? 

YOU. You are the foremost expert on your family and your child. 

It helps to learn about child development. When do certain aspects of physiology, and especially neurology develop, and what does that mean in the life of a child? When does a particular child truly relate to the world around her as separate from her self? What is the level of consciousness development in my child at this time?

With those as a basis, we can add in an attempt to discover our own habits and stress reaction patterns. What unconscious strategies do I use and are they helpful or hindering to truly resolving situations. Can I learn to become more responsive and less reactive?

It isn't what happens around us that matters as much as how we respond to what happens. When we can be responsive to situations and hold our understanding of the true needs of our young child in the forefront, we will know what to do. We can become confident in knowing that we know how to figure things out for ourselves. The BEST parenting advice always comes from within.

I know that I act as if I know things. In the telling folks about my ideas and observations I risk speaking as if my ideas are ‘the one and only way’ to think. I can come across as sounding like an expert about everything. 

I do not want to offer any recipes. I do want to offer my ideas and experiences, and choices I have made to help people learn to think for themselves with confidence. I wish for all of you, the readers, to choose for yourself what to do. I hope that my words can stimulate you toward thinking for yourself and having reasons for your choices. The best choices always come from thinking it through for yourself, and truly responding to the situation at hand. 

There can only be one expert in that situation - YOU!

Turning off the Autopilot

We all have habits. One study showed that more than 40% of our daily actions are habits. 40% of the things we do are done habitually, without conscious awareness and thought. That is a lot of our time spent in autopilot mode. Now, there are some benefits to this. When we are acting from habit we free part of our consciousness for thinking, planing, reviewing and so on. Do you notice how much thinking you do in the shower? It is because nearly all of your shower activity is habit. You don’t have to think about it and therefore your mind is free to wander.

Many habits are created as a strategy to meet a goal. Once the strategy proves successful we repeat and repeat until we just do it without thinking. That is a habit. We are not born with our habits, we develop them in response to experiences. Usually habit forming is not intentional - there is no conscious choice made to form the habit.

Imitation is the central learning tool of young child. Through imitation the young child learns walking, speaking, and stress response patterns and so much more. All habits.

With very young children, many of their habits are created by imitating those around them. Habits are also created by babies attempting to get their needs met and discovering certain strategies that are successful with the adults in the baby’s environment. They try it. It works. They repeat and repeat and repeat. So by the time we are adults, we have many habits including ones for dealing with stress, challenges and not getting our needs met. Often these strategies are not helpful and are unproductive for social harmony and true problem solving. 

When you get stressed do you ‘check out’ and fall into your habit reaction pattern? You can be honest here. No one can hear you. We all do it. What is your particular, unique stress reaction? Do you yell and stomp around? Throw things? Tell someone else it is their fault? Freeze up? Withdraw? Fall silent and walk away? When we start to see those habits, those behavior patterns, then we have a chance to change them. Habits in themselves aren’t a problem. There are habits that need changing though, the unproductive, ineffective and unhealthy ones. 

First step - see your habit patterns, your reaction style. The next step is to use your free decision-making capacity to choose the habits you want to change. It takes the power of will to start the new habit started, but once the new habit is really running strong we can ‘fall asleep’ and let the new habit run itself. 

Now why am I thinking about habits so much? Because the habits of adults strongly affect the children around them! Now here is a weird thing about our brains. We have a certain kind of brain cell called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons ‘fire’ both when we act and when we observe an action performed by someone else. In older children and adults, mirror neurons help in understanding the actions of other people. For young children mirror neurons function in the learning of new skills by imitation. Our habits are being transmitted by our example to our children who are imitating them. So it is incumbent on us to try and deliver habits to our children that we want them to have. 

I want young ones to develop the habit of washing hands before eating, so I model that activity for the children. I want young children to develop habits of saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ so I use those phrases myself whenever appropriate. I don’t want my daughters to take up my habits of dealing with stress by withdrawing, so I try and model engagement and conversation when I am in a stressful situation.

When breaking and forming habits, we need to know that change is possible. 

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE. 

Change....is.... possible!

The basic mechanism for learning and development is the will. What is the will but our capacity for doing, for taking hold of the world around us through activity. All education is education of the will, both in the adult and in the child. In the adult there is much more possibility for intention to be part of the equation. The primary way the will functions in the young child is through unconscious imitation - the learning modality for the young child is imitation. What we do, what we say, and who we are, as adults standing before them, is of utmost importance. The basis of all of this is the exercise of our will which in adults is our capacity for freedom, the capacity to respond rather than react. When we present the example of changing ourselves, that possibility is implanted deep in the child’s neurology and psyche as a possibility for their own future changing.

What About Manners?

You probably would like it if your young children would develop “manners.” Do you want your 4-year-old to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you?’ Wouldn’t it be great if your 5-year-old would apologize when someone gets hurt by something he did?

The secret learning method for young children is imitation. Instructing, explaining, scolding, threatening, bribing and moralizing are not effective methods and in fact the young child doesn’t learn at all from these methods, though they can be ‘trained’ or ‘conditioned.’ True learning only happens when the will of the individual is engaged. When the initiative for action is coming from inside the person then there is a possibility for learning to arise. We only learn when we do it ourselves.

Imitation is the young child’s modality for taking hold of the world around her. The impulse for imitation is external - what is sensed by the child all around her. The will of the child is what takes hold and does the imitating.

So...manners. If you want your child to be polite, you have to model politeness for her. I have to interject that manners and politeness are not universally consistent. What could be considered ‘good’ manners somewhere could be considered rude and discourteous somewhere else. So you have to choose the manners that you are aiming to transfer to your child. And then use your manners. In interactions with your child, in interactions with your partner, in interactions with the cashier at the grocery store, and everywhere.

You don’t need to bring it to your child’s attention - you simply do it. You don’t need to say,”Honey, did you notice how I said ‘thank you’ at the coffee shop? I’d like you to say thank you’ too when someone hands you something.” In your interactions, use kindness, courtesy and politeness and your child will likely follow suit.

Additionally, you can magnify the possibilities of imitation by speaking courtesies on behalf of your child. For instance, 4-year-old Tommy says, “Give me more raisins.”

So, while handing him some more raisins, you say, “Please can I have more raisins?” 

That way you are planting a seed for his own will to take up in imitating your example. You are speaking the words you would be happy if he used. In contrast, Tommy says, “Give me more raisins.” You say, “Tommy! Say ‘Please’ and then I’ll give you the raisins.” Tommy won’t actually learn anything from this method. He will do as he is told because he wants to be ‘rewarded’ with the raisins. I won’t be from Tommy taking in kindness and manners and enacting those out of his own actions. 

Similarly, if we notice our 5-year-old daughter knock over another child. One response could be, “Sally! Say you’re sorry.” And she probably will because we are demanding it. If instead the adult says, “Susie is hurt. Is there anything we can do for her?” then Sally is free to take action out of herself. Her own will can engage and she can offer help and comfort to the injured child in her own way.

So instead of ordering your child to use manners, instead of demanding they say certain words, I suggest considering how best to utilize the learning mechanism of imitation to achieve your goals for manners and kindness. We adults can create situations where the will of the young child can take hold of the wonderful examples we offer through how we say and do things. Try it and see what happens. It works, it really works!

P.S. If you try this method out, please let me know how it goes for you. I’d love to hear.

Finding the Little Engine that Could

Something Margret Meyerkort (longtime kindergarten teacher and mentor) said again and again resounds in my head as a sort of watchword of my personal striving. “Unless I develop myself, what right do I have to stand before the children?” One reason she said that is because the basic learning modality of the young child is imitation. Young children imitate what we say, what we do, and even more, how we are in the world. I am a teacher of young children, a parent, a grandparent and more. I want to be worthy of ‘standing in front of the children.’ 

Alongside Margret’s voice, in my head I hear the voices of self-doubt and unworthiness. They are the voices of fears and inadequacy. I don’t want to see how imperfect I am. Our fears keep us from truly looking at ourselves. We all have shortcomings and don’t live up to our own standards, and we all need the courage to take an honest look at ourselves. I need courage to look at myself especially if I might (and will) find inadequacies and shortcomings. How else can I change for the better if I don’t see what needs to be changed?

When I find the things in me that I want to change it can be overwhelming. I do not like what I find, and there is so much to change. I can only keep up my search to know myself if I can find the enthusiasm to keep at it. I need to be passionately persistent in my inner search for self knowledge to be able to carry on with more and more and deeper and deeper discoveries of what I need to change. And I need this fire, this enthusiasm, this passion to make the changes. I need a wellspring of inner strength. (see previous post by Rick Hanson) Waking up is not easy. Making the changes is not easy.

I truly want to develop myself to become a free human being. What I mean is I want to be able to be free to respond in any situation, not to react based on my own lifelong patterns and conditioning. Becoming free requires diligent and persistent work, the hard work of truly waking up.

Meadows says, in A Sleep of Prisoners (by Christopher Fry):

The human heart can go to the lengths of God.

Dark and cold we may be, but this

Is no dark winter now. The frozen misery

Of centuries breaks, cracks, begins to move,

The thunder is the thunder of the floes,

The thaw, the flood, the upstart Spring.

Thank God our time is now when wrong

Comes up to face us everywhere,

Never to leave us till we take

The longest stride of soul men ever took.

Affairs are now soul size.

The enterprise

Is exploration into God.

Where are you going? It takes

So many thousand years to wake,

But will you wake for pity’s sake....

And then that nagging voice of self doubt arises saying that it is just too hard to change, it is not possible. How can you change the way you are, they way you have always been? But again, that voice is the voice of conditioning, the voice from our culture of shame that says you are simply not good enough. 

We can connect with our can-do voice, that fire of will to make changes lives in each of us. The Little Engine that Could is a part of each of us. I think I can, I think I can... Maybe it is hibernating, so it is time to stoke the fire, the enthusiasm for taking hold of your self. We do not have to be stuck in the habits and shortcomings that are revealed when we seek to know our self. We can use our inner strength and begin to make the changes we choose. 

Working on your self to make the changes is one step. Allowing your self to see the changes you create in yourself is an act of creative thinking. Create a new self image based on the changes you make. Unwind the old tapes and think for your self in each moment, true thinking. Digesting, contemplating, considering, what comes to you, integrating it with what has gone before, synthesizing, allowing your self image to move and change and be alive in you. 

One part of how-to is a practice that involves a daily looking at yourself. At the end of each day, when you are feeling peaceful and are not distracted, take a few minutes to review your whole day. Quickly review your day in your mind as an objective observer. In your review, when you find a moment in the day when you had lost your patience, had become reactive, take a few extra seconds. Look closely at the events just before you ‘lost it’ so you can observe what set you off. Judging yourself harshly is not helpful. Look at the events as a story, and know that you can rewrite the story. The important first step is to notice, simply notice what was the ‘trigger’ for you. And then continue with your review of the rest of your day. If you can do this practice every evening before bed you will begin to see your reaction pattern and your ‘button.’ Eventually this practice will result in your sudden awareness in the moment that you are in one of those situations where your ‘button’ is being pushed but it isn’t causing the reaction pattern to set in and you can choose your next words or action. In that moment you have broken out of your conditioned reaction pattern. It might not last, but you have experienced that it is possible. So you continue the daily evening practice and take some steps forward, and fall back some also. 

The ancient Greeks wrote over the door to their Temple in Delphi, a temple dedicated to the ancient mysteries, Know Thyself. That is no easy task, yet to become worthy of the imitation of the young children we have to again and again walk through the door of that temple. Find out who you are and what you are made of. Life will give you plenty of opportunities for self discovery. For it is in the challenges, the difficult situations that we can truly meet ourselves and are given opportunities to develop new capacities in ourselves. 

To me, this is a true spiritual self education. It means I recognize that there is a part of us that learns, not the math and language skills, etc, but the lessons of our life. That we can develop ourselves is the essence of what it is to be human. 

What is this 'spiritual' thing? The spirit in me is that aspect of myself that does the developing, that learns from the challenges, that attempts to see what needs changing and then has the will to change it. That is what is spiritual - that part of each of us that does the developing. The spirit in me is trying to become truly human. 

We all have shortcomings yes, but we all have a great gift to share with the world. The world is waiting for these gifts. The children and everyone around us benefit when we try to develop our self and become more present and awake. 

P.S. For more guidance and support and practices in this realm, I recommend looking into the work of Brene Brown, Tara Brach, Rick Hanson and Rudolf Steiner.