That Same Story Again and Again

As I have mentioned before, I love books. I want children to grow up loving books too. If you want your children to become members of the world of readers, they need to see you reading, both to them and reading for your own pleasure and learning. Young children learn by imitating. 

Books are an essential part of life and starting in early childhood there needs to be plenty of experience of books and reading. This can nurture a love of books that can last throughout life. Every bedtime deserves a story to help send the child off to dreamland. Everyday is the right day for a story.

You may have noticed your three- or four-year-old saying, immediately upon completion of a story, “Tell it again.” Or when you sit down together for a storybook, she asks for the same one as yesterday. And again.....

“How boring,” you think to yourself. “Not that one again.”

You have a developed intellect. Your intellect always wants more and different experiences. The young child has an undeveloped intellect and therefore cannot get bored. Instinctively she is asking for something supportive of her developing neurology which is repetition. Repetition supports developing neural pathways and the myelination process. So put aside your boredom and learn to enjoy the same story again. And again...

All of the techniques of child rearing, helpful as they may be with respect to particular problems, cannot offer an adequate substitute for this necessary food [stories] of the child’s soul. J. E. Heuscher,

(A Psychiatric Study of Myths and Fairy Tales)

Reading to a child is a wonderful sharing experience. Telling a story without the book is a profound gift we can offer to our children, and to each other. A told story is given from the heart of the teller (we know a story by heart) to the heart of the listener. There is nothing like this gift and this activity is becoming rare. The oral tradition seems to be disappearing.

By telling a story to a child, rather than reading a story from a picture book, the child must create all of her own images, her own internal pictures, for the story. This inner activity is the basis for reading comprehension - the ability to create inner pictures from the words spoken.

Tell stories! Your young child is the most forgiving audience, and the most grateful. Give it a try. 

SIlver Boxes

This is a story I wrote in response to an exercise at a Nancy Mellon workshop. The exercise was to write about parents who have essentially fallen into the computer and how the children can rescue them. In my story, nature teamed up with the children. Let me know what you think about this.

A boy and a girl lived with their mother and father in a house  near a lake at the edge of the forest. They worked together cooking, cleaning, and gardening. They took care of all the things that needed doing around their house. They worked until the work was done. Then there was plenty of time for the children to play. The family ate their meals together, and Mother and Father told stories. The children loved the stories.

Everyday the children put out seeds and breadcrumbs for the birds. They loved to listen to the birdsong and watch the birds fly about. They especially loved the little finches who came everyday from their nests in the trees near their house.

One day, just as Mother and Father were finishing their busy day’s work a large, beautiful snake came into their yard, and then slithered into the house. His scales were of every color, and when he moved, his scales changed colors.

Father grabbed a broom to chase the snake away but the snake spoke; “Do not be afraid of me. I am here to help”

Mother said, “How can you help?” 

“I have something for you that can make your life easier. It can help in all that you have to do and you will have more time to be with your children.”

Mother and Father were excited when the snake gave of them thin, silver boxes. They each picked one up and opened the lid. A pale blue light shone from inside and the parents stared.

The snake smiled and went away.

The children went outside to play. When they returned, they found their parents still staring at the boxes as if they were asleep with their eyes open. The children couldn't wake them up.

This went on for some time. The parents did less and less around the house and barely had any time for the children.

The children wanted to help their parents but didn’t know how. Their parents didn’t listen.

“Wake up,” the children said. “Wake up.” The children tugged at their parents’ sleeves. They parents just stared at the silver boxes. “Wake up,” the children shouted and they shook their parents.

The snake heard and came back to their house. "Leave them be or I will eat you all up," he said. “We want our mother and father back. We will wake them somehow." 

"Then I will eat you both," said the snake.

The children took hold of their parents’ hands and dragged the parents out of the house. The silver boxes fell to the floor. The snake chased after them, and they ran and ran into the woods, the snake getting closer and closer.

The boy and girl each picked up a stick while they were running. They let the snake get even closer. At last, as the snake opened it’s jaws to devour them, the boy and girl wedged their sticks into the snake's mouth so its mouth would not close and the snake could not speak. The sticks were stuck tightly and the snake couldn't dislodge them. Then snake shook its head and tried and tried but the sticks were well lodged. Then the snake slithered away into the forest and they never saw him again. 

When the snake went away, the parents came to their senses again. Their eyes were awake and they smiled and hugged the children and each other. But they were in the middle of the dark forest, and none knew the way home. They were lost.

Just then seven finches flitted around the family. Two of the small birds had the silver boxes in their beaks. The other finches were singing and Mother and Father and the two children watched them and smiled. The finches then flew away along a narrow path. They knew they could trust the finches and they followed.

They followed the finches through the forest for a long time. Occasionally they could see a star sparkling in the sky through the canopy of tree branches.

Finally they came to the edge of the forest and the finches landed in the branches. They could see the whole night sky. It was filled with twinkling stars. They were on the shore of a lake and the lights of the stars twinkled and reflected on the water.

They watched for some time until, starting in the east, the sky lightened, and then turned rosy and golden as the first rays of dawn appeared. The finches flew over the water and the two who were carrying the silver boxes dropped them into the lake. The boxes fell into the depths of the water, and the finches circled around the family and then flew away.

Across the lake was the house where the family lived. They could see the path around the edge of the lake that led to their house, and they began the short walk home as the new day began.

The enchantment of technology can be an obstacle to connection. Real connection is a human need. Perhaps nature can help break the spell and we can use those silver boxes as tools at our pleasure rather than be under their spell 24/7.

What do you think about this?

What's the Big Deal About Imitation?

For the young child, imitation is the primary learning modality. So many elements of our human-ness are developed in the early years and they are developed through a process of imitation. Among these learned skills are walking, speaking, and methods for dealing with stress and challenges. Humans only learn to walk and speak by copying other human beings! And we develop our habits of dealing with challenging situations and our communication habits, by copying. These habits are firmly entrenched by age three or earlier.

A key neurological element involved in imitation is mirror neurons These neurons 'fire' both when an child acts and when the child observes an action performed by another. It is the same with any age - mirror neurons are engaged when we receive through our senses information (sights, sounds, etc.) about what someone else is doing. They stimulate ‘motor’ neurons as if we were doing the moving or speaking. Mirror neurons are important for understanding the actions of other people, and for learning new skills by imitation.

With human beings, imitation is of much greater significance than other creatures of the earth. A newborn horse will stand up within the first hour after its birth, can trot and canter within hours, and most can gallop by the next day, even if you remove all other horses from the foal’s environment. The foal will also “speak” like a horse without other horses around to imitate.

A human being will never learn to stand, walk or speak like a human unless there are human walkers and speakers to imitate. These three human capacities of walking, speaking and thinking are developed by imitation and are founded on each other.

At first, the baby makes random movements. Repeating and repeating these random movements develops the neural pathways that allow the control of the baby’s own movement to gradually arise. By copying the human walkers around her, the baby learns to walk. Speaking becomes possible because fine motor skill is developing to control the various fine muscle activity involved in creating speech sounds, from jaw movement, air, tongue and lips, to the vocal cords in the larynx. The sounds are copied from the human speakers around her. Speaking is a foundation for thinking because most human beings think in words. First we have to develop vocabulary, syntax and grammar, and then we can think.

Let me repeat; When human babies are born, they cannot walk or talk. How they learn to walk and speak is by copying the other human beings in their environment. If they were not around other human beings they would not learn how to walk and speak like a human. (For example the ‘wolf child of Aveyron’). The children also learn many other things from parents through imitation, notably their strategies to deal with frustration and stress.

Mirror neurons are active when we are learning to walk and to speak. The child’s motor nerves are stimulated when seeing someone else walk, perhaps as preparation for their own walking. The same with the vocal system. When watching and hearing someone speak, the larynx and related organs are stimulated to move in a similar fashion as the speaker’s. This continues our whole life.

It is crucial to understand the role of imitation in learning for the young child. When we grasp the implications of this fact, we have to look at ourselves to see if we say and do what we want the children to imitate. Since the primary learning modality for the young child is imitation, what we do and say, and who we are as adults standing before them is of the utmost importance. 

This is an except from my just finished new book, Conscious Parenting: A Guide to Living With Young Children

Tips for Tidy Away Time

Often there are actions you want your child to take, but he or she is not noticing what is yet undone, or is not participating at all. Coming in from outside, I see a jacket left outside on a bench. I know who it belongs to, and rather than naming the child and telling her to go get it, I say, “There is one jacket left outside.” It brings to the child’s attention that something is left undone, and the action wanting to happen speaks for itself. And the child who may not have noticed checks for her jacket and discovers it is the one left out. Out of her own motivation, she goes and collects her jacket and hangs it on the hook inside. My words of observation were a stimulus for the child’s action.

Perhaps it is tidy-away time, and the child is standing empty-handed, not participating in putting things away, and you want him to help. Again, a spoken observation like, “I see a cloth over there” might help. Sometimes all it takes to bring the child into activity is for their attention to be brought to something that needs to be done, without telling them to do it. Their own inner will takes care of the rest. 

I might pick up a log, walk toward the child who is simply standing without helping, and hand him the log. He take hold of it, and I walk on, not having said anything. He is now holding a log, his will engages, and he puts it on the shelf, and then joins in the tidying away. Or several children have made a restaurant at playtime, and you want them to help put things away. They are still at it; taking orders and cooking food. I pick up a plate and spoon and say, “Here is the food Sally wanted at the dishes store.” And the child delivers the order to the shelf where the cooking toys are put away. Or, folding up various colored cloths, I say, “I need someone to deliver this cherry pie (the red cloth).”A child presents herself for delivery, and takes the ‘pie’ to the shelf where it belongs. Other children come to help put them away because I have made a blueberry pie, lime pie, strawberry, and so on. I have entered into the land of imagination where the children live, and for many young children, this can be an instant cure for the ‘not-helping-at-tidy-away-time syndrome.’

“Take these boards to the lumber store.” “These animals go to the zoo.” (The wooden toy animals) You get the idea. It is important also for the adult to be part of the task, rather than assigning it to the children. If the reality is ‘we are tidying up’ it is far more effective than saying to the child or children, “you tidy this up.”

It is far more effective to participate in tidying up with your child than to expect or demand that they do it all by themselves. Let’s tidy up.” and really do it together. Then when the child is a bit older, she will have the habit of putting things away and you can step back from the activity.

The preceding is a section from my brand new book, Conscious Parenting: A Guide to Living with Young Children. It is available at www.lulu.com

“Play Ball” - Baseball Season Is Upon Us

I was walking past a playing field the other day and there was a 4-year-old boy and his dad, each with baseball gloves, standing near home plate. The dad was explaining how to put on the glove, which hand to put it on and how to get the fingers in the right spots. 

Then he explained the process of throwing and catching. “Watch the ball. Then grab it with your glove.” He tossed the ball right to the boy, it hit the glove and fell to the ground. “Come on. Grab it when it gets there.” The boy stood there. Dad said, “Pick up the ball and throw it to me.” The boy gleefully picked up the ball and threw it - the ball seemed to fly randomly out of his hand, not in the direction of his dad.

Next Dad explained the rules of baseball. He explained about the bases, which direction to run if you get a hit, where to stand and bat, etc...about 5 minutes of baseball rules while the boy stood still with the ball in his hand.

Suddenly, the boy got a huge smile and a gleam in his eye and joyfully ran around the bases, stepping on one, missing the others, taking two laps, all the while holding the ball. Dad said, “All right, let’s go. I’ll teach you baseball another time.”

This all transpired within about ten minutes. 

I was offered a story to share in this post. I am going to let you in on my thoughts and opinions in writing about this story. I do not claim to have the “one and only way.” And I know I am going against the stream and out on a limb here. 

So....I have said this before, the way young children learn is by imitation.

First of all, four-year-olds don’t thrive with instructing and explaining. If you want your child to ‘learn’ baseball, start with simply throwing and catching. Even better, start with rolling the ball back and forth to each other before you days or weeks later move on to tossing. Back and forth, no instructions - just show him how it’s done. And Dad or Mom, be satisfied with playing the simple toss-and-catch game for months. Throwing and catching develops large and fine motor skills and eye-motor coordination. These are important capacities for life! Try and make it fun, not an instructional lecture. Just do it, don’t talk about it much.

One result of instructing young children in the rules and etiquette of a sport is that it eliminates the role of imitation, and the activity of creating the rules for yourself. I can remember as a young child playing ‘baseball’ in my friend’s yard. There were five of us, not the required nine on a team. First we spent time arguing about and finally agreeing to the rules. “We’ll have only 2 bases. And if the ball lands in those bushes, it is a double. If it goes over the neighbor’s fence the game is over and we run and hide, and Mark will pitch for both teams...” We had to create with what was available. And I repeat, we had to create. Co-creating the framework of a play activity is such an important activity. Practicing the creating of rules that work for a particular situation with the particular people involved is an important skill that needs practice starting in early childhood.

I think organized sports for young children is a mistake. 

T-ball, soccer, basketball as organized sports for the under 8-year-olds does not support their development of a variety of skills and capacities. It exposes the young ones to the competition aspects of sports, as well as a focus on winning rather than playing for its own sake, for the fun of it. Additionally, the game requires focus and attention, capacities that are not usually present in young children. Demanding these of young children is stressful for all involved.

Instead of the children having an unstructured Saturday at home, playing out of their own initiative with what is available, and with plenty of time, they are rushed off to the practice or the game.

It is interesting that we use the expression, ‘playing sports.’ Perhaps for adults it is a sort of play activity, though unlike creative play, the rules are hard and fast. For young children, play involves activity that is unbounded by external rules. Play is a creative activity where anything goes and is moderated by the relating to the others involved in the play. Play involves imagination and is not fixed. Play is the essential work of the young child and is part of how the imitation of previously observed events is tried out and new skills are learned. The best way for young children to learn is imitation. It is their natural learning mode. 

Children need time for free play — time to explore the game on their own without structure. It’s then they learn creativity, problem solving, adaptability and conflict resolution, [Luis Fernando Llosa, a former reporter for Sports Illustrated] says. “Look at Wayne Gretzky — one of the most creative athletes of our time. And how did he develop that? He didn’t start playing organized hockey at age five. He played on a pond with friends. And even when he did start playing organized hockey, he would go back to the pond and play for fun. That’s where you learn all the moves and fluidity.” (Blair Crawford, Ottawa Citizen, October 2014)

(Click here to read the whole article) 

Have you ever watched parents at a young children’s sporting match? Even though some leagues explain to the parents about wanting the fun of playing to be primary, even though they are asked to model polite ‘fan behavior,’ it turns into shouting and rooting for your child’s performance and that their team win.

At the start I mentioned the glee with which the boy ran around the bases after the delivery of Dad’s instruction. That is the joy that I want to live in the children and find expression in their activities. How can we foster an environment where that joy flourishes? That is what we need more of for the children, and for our own future.

The best way for young children to learn is imitation. It is their natural learning modality. If your child has been seeing people play baseball, and is interested in that game, he will pick up a stick or ball and ‘play’ that he is playing baseball. For a young child, imitation and self-created play is the path to developing the skills required of the sport you are hoping to teach.

The King of the Giraffes

Marshall Rosenberg passed away last week. 

The world lost a great agent for change! 

Marshall described and developed a communication practice he named Non Violent Communication (NVC), sometimes called Compassionate Communication. It is much more than a communication technique, it is a practice to reframe your thinking and your perspective on situations and is a path to move beyond blame and shame habits to an art of real connecting.

My own thinking about communication owes a debt of gratitude to Marshall Rosenberg. His basic premise is that we try to become conscious of our own feelings and needs and how those drive our actions and reaction patterns. His idea is that all action is driven by attempts to get one’s needs met. When we change how we think and are able to see behavior as strategy to get needs met we stop our blaming and fault-finding. We can apply this to everyone we interact with or think about.

NVC as articulated by Marshall Rosenberg has the primary goal of creating and enhancing connection. One of our most basic human needs is connection yet so often how we think and what we say creates obstacles to that connecting. 

The basics of NVC are that first we must be conscious of when to be speaking and when to be listening. When we are listening we have to put to sleep all of our own thinking and inner dialog to be able to truly listen and empathize. 

In examining our experiences, we can be clear about what we observe, what feelings arise from those observations, what needs or values drive those feelings, and then try to do something about all that by making specific requests of others. Mostly though, people criticize, judge, offer opinions, make assumptions give diagnoses, blame, shame and make demands. Phhfew..... No one likes to be shamed or have demands put on them!

Marshall laid out a structure for speaking the ‘hard’ things in ways that support connection, and he aptly described how the communication patterns that do not enhance connecting are so prevalent and tenacious in our world whether on a personal level, or in large group interactions. Read his biography to see what sorts of conflicts he waded into to offer support for resolution.

Most of us are hungry for skills that can improve the quality of our relationships, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people. At best, the habitual ways we think and speak hinder communication and create misunderstanding and frustration. And still worse, they can cause anger and pain, and may lead to violence. Without wanting to, even people with the best of intentions generate needless conflict. NVC helps us reach beneath the surface and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of feelings and needs that helps us more clearly express what is going on in us, and understand what is going on it others, at any given moment. When we understand and acknowledge our needs, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships. Join the thousands of people worldwide who have improved their relationships and their lives with this simple yet revolutionary process. Marshall Rosenberg provides us with the most effective tools to foster health and relationships. Nonviolent Communication connects soul to soul . . . It is the missing element in what we do. - Deepak Chopra

In Marshall’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, he offers an idea that I think is important to understand especially in relation to adult child interactions.

The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds. When we grab a child who is running into the street to prevent the child from being injured, we are applying protective force. The punitive use of force, on the other hand, might involve physical or psychological attack, such as spanking the child or reproofs like, "How could you be so stupid! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Two kinds of force: protective and punitive

When we exercise the protective use of force, we are focusing on the life or rights we want to protect without passing judgment on either the person or the behavior. We are not blaming or condemning the child rushing into the street; our thinking is solely directed toward protecting the child from danger.

When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself. Instead, we are focusing upon the consequences of what might happen if we fail to take that action. If a worker's performance is prompted by fear of punishment, the job gets done, but morale suffers; sooner or later, productivity will decrease. Self-esteem is also diminished when punitive force is used. If children brush their teeth because they fear shame and ridicule, their oral health may improve but their self-respect will develop cavities. Furthermore, as we all know, punishment is costly in terms of goodwill. The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

Sometimes Marshall called Nonviolent Communication ‘Giraffe talk.’ 

The giraffe has became a symbol for NVC because it has a very large heart, its long neck allow it to have an overview and its big ears can orient ahead or behind. You might have noticed my 'logo.' I chose that image because of the giraffe that is prominent in it.

Marshall Rosenberg, the king of giraffe-speak is gone, and his influence lives on and on.

Marshall Rosenberg was a wise and funny human being who affected my life and the lives of millions of others. As Michael Mendizza said, “Many hope to leave the world a better place. If Marshall, a tough guy from the streets of Detroit can, and he certainly did, so can we.”

Try Leaving Out The Word “Okay,” Okay?

“Sally, it time to get out of the pool and go now. Okay?”

Dad is speaking. He has already showered and is dry. Sally is 5 years old.

“Sally, you need to get out and shower so we can go, okay?”

“Sally, come here and I’ll help you out so we can shower.”

(Sally swims farther away.)

“I’m gonna count to three. One...two...three...”

Sally stays out of reach.

“Come on Sally, we have to go, okay?”

“Don’t make me count again.”

This monologue went on from Dad until finally he went back in, grabbed Sally, and carried her out. She was crying, he was clearly angry. As an observer I could see that this interaction did not go well for either Dad or Sally. I wonder how long either or both of them were charged up and angry with each other? Have you ever been in a similar situation?

The basics seemed to be:

1. Sally wanted to stay in the pool
2. Dad wanted to leave.

Some observations:

1. Dad did not acknowledge what Sally wanted.
2. Dad finished a number of his sentences with the word ‘okay’ while rising in pitch.
3. It wasn’t okay with her. She did not comply.
4. Dad’s counting seemed to have some implied consequence that did not manifest.

Dad, I have some suggestions. Feel free to take them up or not next time. Try saying something like, “Sally, I know you want to stay in the pool. I’m sorry we have to go. We’ll come back again soon.” Acknowledge her feeling, but do not try to fix it. Occasional sadness is an inevitable part of life.

As an experiment, try leaving out the word “okay,” okay? When we end a sentence with okay it becomes a question. I don’t think Dad was offering the option of not getting out of the pool, but the way he used language made it seem like a question. When we ask a question, we have to be prepared to accept a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ answer. How about, “I want you to get out of the pool now.” “I need to get us home for dinner.”

I remember one morning when my youngest had been playing in the living room. She was about 3 years old. I had an appointment and had to bring her with me, and I like to leave the house tidy when I go, especially the common areas like the living room. I looked around at the toys and cloths and clothes and said, “You need to clean up this stuff so we can go.”

A flash of realization zapped my head. AHA! She did not need to clean up, it was my need. I had a need for tidiness and a need to be on time for my appointment. Neither of those were her agenda, needs or values. It was my agenda. Now, I try to own my needs when I speak. “I need to go soon.” “I need the house to be tidy.” You get the idea. Sally did not have the need for getting out of the pool. It was Dad’s need.

And what is this counting thing. I have heard many parents and teachers use this count down (or up) method of attempted behavior control. To me there is an implied punishment if what the adult wants the child to do (or stop doing) doesn’t happen in time. It is a veiled threat. I am not an advocate of threatening to get the behaviors I want to see. 

In the swimming pool story, it was an ‘idle threat.’ There was no ‘punishment’ awaiting Sally’s non-compliance. And Sally knew it, based on previous interactions with her dad. Maybe Sally likes to hear her dad count. Maybe she is just learning how to count and she enjoys hearing her dad filling in that hard-to-remember number ‘two?’

I have no idea what was going on inside either Dad’s or Sally’s feelings and thoughts. I do know the interaction was unsatisfying for them both and did not serve to develop their connection.

So, I’d like to offer a do-over for Dad and Sally at the pool.

5 minutes before getting-out-of-pool time. Dad and Sally are both still in the pool. “Sally, we are going to get out and shower soon. It’s almost time for dinner.”

Dad and Sally are both still in pool 5 minutes later. “Sally, we’re getting out now.” Sally cries, “I don’t want to get out.”

Dad, “I know you don’t want to get out. You love the pool. We’ll be back again.”

Perhaps Dad has to carry Sally out of the pool (they are both still in pool). She cries, he says, “I know your are sad. I love the pool too. It is time to go home for dinner and we’ll be back again.” And off to the showers they go.

End of discussion. Sally can cry more if she needs to. Crying is natural when we grieve for what we want and don’t get. Dad is caring, he acknowledges Sally’s feeling. And he is firm and not giving options when there aren’t any.

It’s not easy to change habits. (See some of my previous posts.) If we examine our interactions in the clear light of objectivity, it can give the impetus we need to make the changes we want to see in ourselves. We all want connection, especially with our children. So I offer these suggestions to make connecting easier, and steer clear of potential obstacles to connection. All habitual reaction does not foster connection. We simply are not there to connect with. When we can be more mindful and alert to what is going on, we can be present to connecting. And that is what our children truly long for!

P.S. What do you think about this? Do you have any scenarios that could use a do-over and you need some ideas?